The Day I Walked Away From Retainers That Paid the Bills

18 Jul

A gritty, behind-the-scenes moment of trust and clarity

Some decisions don’t happen with a bang. They happen with a pop, accompanied with a bit of fizz.

When I made one of the biggest decisions of my life, there was no grand announcement or dramatic Instagram post. It was just the quiet click of “send” on an email and the whoosh that followed.

That’s how it happened for me.

Back in May 2025, I said goodbye to the last of my long-term retainer clients. The kind of client that kept the lights on and the WIFI flowing. The kind that made sense on paper and the one that people tell you to hold onto because “you never know what could happen.”

I’d been with this client for four years. I’d started with them under a different banner, back when I did social media management and branding. I looked after their brand and all their marketing. If a customer emailed in, I answered. If someone commented on the socials, I replied. If they read a website blog, I’d written it.

It was 4 years of showing up, doing the work, on holiday, at the weekends, come rain or shine. It was four years of reliability, both for them, and for me.

And I gave that all up. I walked away from the security, predictability and the routine, not to the tune of exploding fireworks, but in a quiet moment of trust and clarity that had been building for months.

When “Fine” Becomes a Warning Sign

In our house, if you say the word “fine”, it’s like a blinking warning sign. Everyone in our house knows that fine doesn’t mean fine. In fact, we have an acronym for it, borrowed from a movie line somewhere. F.I.N.E stands for Freaked Out, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional.

If you’d asked me how things were going back in 2024, I would’ve told you: “It’s fine.”

Work was fine. The income was fine. And the relationship with this client was, you guessed it, fine.

I should have been able to see my own red flag, simply by using the word fine, but it took me many more months to realise the other warning signs that I wasn’t “fine”.

I was struggling to be creative. I would have to drag myself to the computer to write the social media posts for the week, digging deep to find the words that mattered.

I was tired, all the time. Not just a “I’ve missed a few hours’ sleep” kind of tired. The deep-in-your-bones-and-can’t-shake-it kind of tired.

I would say yes to extra unpaid work just because I felt like I couldn’t say no. There was always the fear that my retainer contract could stop at any moment. I would be available at all hours of the day, to answer or fix something, whether a weekday or weekend. Boundaries, what boundaries? There were none.

All flags, but back then, I saw it as part of the job. I would grin and bear it, repeatedly doing things that I didn’t want to do. I could push through, as that is what you did right? As more and more flags came to the surface, slowly I realised what the root cause was, why I was putting up with so much.

It was fear.

I was hurting myself, mentally, physically and emotionally because I had fears. The fear of letting go. The fear of instability. The fear of being judged, of not fitting in. And of course, the biggest fear of all, that if I walked away, it would mean that I was walking into nothing.

I’d created a business that was a cage, and that fear was the padlock keeping the doors firmly locked, with me inside.

What Happens When You Finally Let Go

The day I sent my resignation email, there were tears.

Not because I was sad, but because my nervous system had finally exhaled, and a tsunami sized wave of relief flowed over me. That night, I had the best night’s sleep I’d had in years. I experienced a serene sense of calm, of knowing deep down it was the right call.

In the days that followed, the shifts were small but seismic.

I had an end date in the calendar. The day when I could let it all go, and hand my daily, weekly and monthly to-do list over to someone else. I started to count down the days, which psychologically, made tackling the tasks for that week much easier to handle, knowing that I was moving closer to the end date.

And with that date, came something else too. It was the realisation that there would be space to go after my own dreams that I’d shelved, the ones I’d put on hold so I could focus on the dreams of my client instead. Instead of trying to squeeze my own dreams into the leftover space after someone else’s business needs, which I’d failed miserably at, there was time, space and possibility on the horizon to focus on them fully.

This was such a game-changer, to be able to look ahead and know that you’re back in the game. That things that you had wanted to do for years, are now back in play.

I had book manuscripts half finished. Screenplays, childrens books. Business ideas. Suddenly all these things were possible again.

The feeling is like discovering something you’ve forgotten, something tucked away in the cupboard or in a draw, that feels like what you were meant to find.

In making my decision to part ways with my retainer client, I’d put myself at the top of the list, which was both positive and negative, alien and electric at the same time, not to mention scary and exhilarating.

Clarity Doesn’t Always Come Clean

Changes aren’t always as smooth as we’d like them to me. In this little story, I want to be honest with you. It wasn’t an easy, graceful leap. I didn’t have a six-month runway of savings to keep me afloat, nor did I have a steady stream of income coming in.

I had made the decision to leapt without a safety net, and it was the right decision.
I didn’t feel 100% ready to do it, but I did feel done.

I was done with staying small to stay safe. I was done with outsourcing my energy to work and projects that I didn’t really like. I was done with pushing the things I wanted to do to the bottom of the list, again and again, whispering “one day” to them until my voice wore out.

On the outside it looked like I was walking away from something good, but inside it felt like freedom.

Making the changes, and working outside.

Why I Had to Say No to Say Yes

Since that day, I’ve been showing up in a new way.

For myself.

And it’s so liberating, rebellious even, to put yourself for once, for the work you actually want to do. To go all in on a business that I’ve always known I was meant to build. It just took me a while to figure that out.

All my career stepping stones were leading me to this point. I was always meant to coach and guide quietly ambitious founders who are ready for more, but tired of the hustle culture. I just didn’t know it yet. At the time, it felt like stumbling forward in the dark, hoping to find the light.

I guess what I’m trying to say, is I understand what it’s like to be small, and play small, and to be stuck in that world of should, woulds and coulds. It was my narrative for years, and that learning curve has been steep to know I know now:

Sometimes, saying no is the most powerful way to say yes.
Sometimes, walking away from “what works” is how you find what really works for you.
And sometimes, the path you’re meant to be on doesn’t become visible until you take the first step off the one that’s keeping you stuck.

If You’re Standing at the Edge of a Similar Decision…

Maybe you’re there now, standing at the edge peering down the path of change, heart pounding, wondering if you have what it takes to let something go. Something that’s “fine.” Something that pays the bills. Something you’ve outgrown, but don’t quite know how to leave behind.

If that’s you, I see you. I’ve stood exactly where you’re standing now, and I would like to offer this piece of wisdom in this moment….

You’re allowed to build a business that supports your life, not swallows it.
You’re allowed to walk away from fine in search of fulfilling.
You’re allowed to choose yourself.

Because the most powerful thing you can do isn’t to build the biggest business, or the one that makes the most money. It’s to build the right one.

One that fits your rhythm, honours your values, and makes space for your dreams, whatever they are.

You don’t need permission, but if you’ve been waiting for a sign, this is it.

It’s your move now.

Onwards and Upwards
- Becky :)